The Mother Code
My Story of Love, Loss, and the Myths That Shape Us
"Some of us just know: we want a child, or we don't. But for most of us, it's not so clear-cut: generations of genetics tangled with deeply individual bodies, dreams, and fears. Ackerman gives us the complexity of motherhood in all its devastating and devastatingly beautiful truth, layering her own harrowing story with laser-focused research and a chorus of mothers from literature and pop culture, all saying: you are not alone. You never have been."
– MEGAN STIELSTRA, THE AUTHOR OF THE WRONG WAY TO SAVE YOUR LIFE
In this propulsive memoir, an award-winning journalist blends history, science, and cultural criticism, to uncover whether motherhood outside of society’s rigid rules and expectations is possible—and whether she fits the mold for what a mother should be.
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“A warm, candid memoir with a clear-eyed take on the conflicting pressures placed on Gen-X women, and all the ways choosing one path in life means forsaking others. The Mother Code will soothe the anxious, and help women at a crossroads make peace with the unknown.”
Early Praise for The Mother Code
– ADA CALHOUN, NYT BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF WHY WE CAN’T SLEEP
"A beautiful and honest examination of motherhood, obsession, genetics, feminism, fear, and letting go. This gem of a read is pregnant with solid writing, research, and revelation commingled with unequivocal clarity about being lost in a familial fever dream. At all times we are in good hands with Ruthie Ackerman and her outlaw spirit and tender pursuit."
– MOON UNIT ZAPPA, ACTRESS, SINGER, AND AUTHOR
"Ruthie Ackerman’s book is an honest, intimate look at one woman’s journey to motherhood. I often tell patients struggling with infertility and disappointment that if they keep trying they will become parents - whether that’s with more attempts at IVF, donor eggs, donor sperm, donor embryos, gestational surrogacy, adoption - and in the end their child will make sense and it all will have been worth it and necessary. This story is a perfect example and reading about Ruthie’s family’s history and challenges, genetic diseases, epigenetics - all was necessary to bring Clementine into the world. There’s not a right or wrong time to become a parent or right or wrong way - each path to parenthood is unique and the journey is a critical part of the end result."
– ERIC J. FORMAN, MD HCLD
MEDICAL AND LABORATORY DIRECTOR AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY FERTILITY CENTER,
THE LOBO FAMILY ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR OF REPRODUCTIVE MEDICINE
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"The Mother Code subverts our ideas about parenting, womanhood, nature, and nurture. Ruthie Ackerman is that rare writer whose fierce intelligence is matched by her warmth and honesty. Her book brings us new ways of thinking about how to be a mother, and a person."
– CLAIRE DEDERER, AUTHOR OF THE NATIONAL BESTSELLERS MONSTERS: A FAN’S DILEMMA AND POSER: MY LIFE IN TWENTY-THREE YOGA POSES
"In The Mother Code, Ruthie Ackerman offers readers an intimate, behind-the-scenes tour of her decision to become a mother despite a troubling legacy from the women in her family, an unwilling first husband, and a host of cultural factors that many women face on the road to healthy motherhood. The real gift of Ackerman's beautifully written and well-researched book is that she constructs a new vision of motherhood that is compatible with personhood, for both mother and child. This tender, generous book does the hard work of redefining "motherhood" and "family" so that they honor all aspects of a woman's life. I wish I'd had this book when I was embarking on my own motherhood.”
– CHRISTIE TATE, AUTHOR OF THE NYT BESTSELLER GROUP: HOW ONE THERAPIST AND A CIRCLE OF STRANGERS SAVED MY LIFE
"Through her honesty, tenderness, and courage, Ruthie has managed to wrap her arms around anyone who has struggled with the path to motherhood and parenting and how that takes form. Her book is wondrous proof that no story or family looks the same, and that even the darkest edges of each/every journey to have a child can somehow become the thing that heals us."
– CHRISTENE BARBERICH, CO-FOUNDER REFINERY29, NYT BESTSELLING AUTHOR, AND WRITER OF THE BEST SELLING SUBSTACK NEWSLETTER, A TINY APT
"Ruthie Ackerman peels the stereotypes of motherhood to unveil the reality of becoming and being a mother. The Mother Code is a necessary paradigm shifter, and an urgent one for the moment."
– HITHA PALEPU, AUTHOR OF WE’RE SPEAKING: THE LIFE LESSONS OF KAMALA HARRIS
“The Mother Code is a candid, raw interrogation of maternal ambivalence, genetic inheritance, infertility, what we gain as mothers, and what we must leave behind. Anyone faced with questions on their own journey will feel seen by this deeply personal, probing memoir.”
– LESLIE SCHROCK, AUTHOR OF BUMPIN’: THE MODERN GUIDE TO PREGNANCY AND FERTILITY RULES
“Ruthie Ackerman's stunning memoir pulls back the curtain on so many life stages that we’re taught from an early age should come easily and with great rewards—intimacy, motherhood, and nuclear family dynamics—and does us all a great service by laying bare the grief and bittersweetness inextricably tied to them all.”
– REBECCA SOFFER, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF THE MODERN LOSS HANDBOOK: AN INTERACTIVE GUIDE TO MOVING THROUGH GRIEF AND BUILDING YOUR RESILIENCE
"If you're a person considering motherhood, or not considering motherhood, or ambivalent about motherhood, read The Mother Code. Ruthie Ackerman pulls back the curtains on her own life and takes a hard look at what it means to be a mother -- and what it could mean. Bracing and intimate, The Mother Code is a much-needed look at how our ideas of genetics and parenthood shape us and limit us, and what might live on the other side of our assumptions."
– JILL FILIPOVIC, AUTHOR OF OK BOOMER, LET’S TALK: HOW MY GENERATION GOT LEFT BEHIND AND THE H-SPOT: THE FEMINIST PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS
"Through a mixture of memoir and reportage, Ackerman explores the act of mothering in all its complexities, haunted by urgent questions about legacy, love, and what hand women can--and can never--have in shaping their own destiny. The Mother Code touches on themes as bone-deep as our DNA, as tender as our hearts, and as fierce and unpredictable as our desire."
– KELLY MCMASTERS, AUTHOR OF THE LEAVING SEASON
“The Mother Code is a gorgeously written memoir from author Ruthie Ackerman. Ackerman zeros in on the stage of her life where she grapples with the decision whether to become a mother— taking us on a profound journey through societal expectations, desire, ambivalence and optimism. This is a must read not just for mothers but for anyone who is grappling with the complexities, struggles and joy of the human experience.”
– EVE RODSKY, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF FAIR PLAY AND UNICORN SPACE